Sunday, January 15, 2012

Reflections - Looking Back

As I reflect back over this last year, I can definitely say that I hope and pray I never have to deal with that kind of emotional pain again.  I am not yet ready to discuss the cause of this pain, but I am ready to move on and claim my life back.  I used to think I was a very strong person.  This brought me to my knees.  The heartache and the blow to my self-esteem and self-worth is indescribable.  Everything that I had believed in my whole life was shattered.  Not only did the incident make me question myself, it made me question everything about life.  My perception of everything was altered.  Because of what one person did, I no longer believed in or trusted anyone.  I questioned if true love existed, or was it just nature's trap.  I wondered what was wrong with me.  I actually felt like I was going crazy at times and would have actual panic attacks which I had never had before in my life.  Like I said, what I felt and how I saw things cannot be described with words.

It has been 18 months since the first revelation.  I am just now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  There were many months that I didn't think I'd see that light.  There were some days when I'd feel like I was gaining my strength back, but then something would knock it right out from under me.  I couldn't count how many times something would trigger that initial pain and the subsequent uncontrollable emotions.

As the saying goes, "time heals all wounds".  My wounds are starting to finally heal.  Though I will be scarred the rest of my life because of this, I have survived.  I don't feel those extreme "crazy bouts" anymore, though I still have moments that I could easily succumb to but they are getting less and less all the time.  I am starting to have those happy and joyous times again.  And I am not as skeptical as I once was.

What got me through all this?  Though at first nothing was helping, I did reconnect with God.  Prayer, reading everything I could find about what happened and why, and the undying and loving support of my family and friends is what helped me get through it.  I still have a bit of a ways to go, but I at least am "out of the woods" now. 

I know with God's grace that I will continue to heal from this.  Now, I have to make a conscientious effort to stop dwelling on the past and move forward.  I have to forgive both myself and the person that caused the pain.  Even though I may not tell this person to their face that they are forgiven (unless they ask me for it), I must forgive them in order for me to move on and heal.

Here is a quote from a website that I follow on Facebook:

"Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate.  Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.”  It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”  Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself!  And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time."